last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
