Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You know, be my cock's hype man.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
