we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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