***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
