he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
