she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
