im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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