Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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