I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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