how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
