the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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