I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
