I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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