Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
