Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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