To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
