Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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