If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
