I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
