she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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