Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
