my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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