I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
