Too much gin, very little bucket
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
