Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
