Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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