Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Drake has all the answers
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
