got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
