3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
