maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
