Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
