Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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