i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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