Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
