he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
