dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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