this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
