Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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