Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
