Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
