Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
