First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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