You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
