I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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