sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
