Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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