He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
