apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
