my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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