Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
