I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
