There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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